Thoughts and prayers

I don't do too many of these blogs with just simple thoughts. I guess when it comes to me I tend to share everything except those innermost thoughts. I love to share my pictures and funny stories about my kids. I've even shared a couple of my poems. But when it comes to those real thoughts and emotions that run so deep inside of someone, I hold back. I'm not saying that you're all going to get a truly deep insight into my soul here. But I would like to share a little bit with you. This has been one of those truly trying weeks. One of those weeks, I guess, where I find out exactly what I'm made of. One of those weeks where I discover that in everything I try to do alone I fall so very short. I managed to make myself sick this week. That's how bad it got. I actually wore myself out to the point of getting sick. I've been trying to work a lot more overtime lately. I realized that Christmas is coming soon and if I want to get the extra pay in time to actually use it for Christmas, I need to do it now. So I've been going in at the only time I can really work without disrupting anyone else's schedule. This means going into work at about 1am and working through to the end of my normal shift at 2:30pm. I actually don't mind working at that time of night. It does tend to deprive one of sleep though. Something I was handling fairly well until my job took an emotionally bad turn. A week ago today, one of our consumers (patients) at work was taken to the hospital. They suspected impaction of the bowels or a hernia. The next day we were informed that it was neither. They had discovered that he had cancer. It was everywhere. And it was terminal. I've been taking care of this gentleman for over 3 years now. He is one that I have grown quite attached to over the last few years. Stubborn as they come, but he could always make me laugh. They gave him less than 3 months. Tuesday they (they being my supervisors) informed us that the decision had been made to transfer him from the hospital to a nursing home instead of back to our facility. We (the direct care staff who had worked so closely with him) were crushed. This was the only home he knew. We were the only family he knew as his don't really have a lot to do with him. The thought of sending him some place to die alone tore us up. Wednesday I sat with him in the hospital for my entire shift. At the end of my shift he was loaded up onto a stretcher and taken to the nursing home. Thursday I got a call from my immediate supervisor saying he was looking worse and probably wouldn't make it through the weekend. Friday morning I went to see him along with several of my coworkers. That very afternoon we got a call saying he had passed away at 2pm.

Where do you draw the line between caring too much and not enough? I've heard more people than I care to speak to me about how you have to have a certain amount of clinical detachment in this kind of field. But how much is too much? I cared very deeply for this man. Not quite like watching a child die, but at the same time, we're talking about someone that I was partly responsible for nearly everyday for over 3 years. I was responsible for feeding, bathing, medicating, entertaining, ... the list goes on. I knew what the man did and didn't like. I knew how to get him from one area to the next and knew when he just wasn't going anywhere. And in the course of one week he was gone. From when he went into the hospital to when he passed away, it took less than a week. One of my closest friends from work is taking it even harder. This was her favorite. She would have done anything for him. She did do a lot for him, above and beyond what was expected of us. Why is that bad? If we went to work everyday trying to keep ourselves "emotionally detached", how would we be honestly improving any of their lives?

I guess I'm just tired. This past week has worn me down. And I know that this one is going to be rough as well. Halloween costumes, Kyra turns 2 on Wednesday, Brian's coming down this weekend to get the kids (just for the weekend), and simply dealing with the aftermath at work. Its not all bad stuff, just tiring. If I could ask all of you to keep my coworkers and the family of this man in your prayers. Thank you, everyone.