Thoughts and prayers
I don't do too many of these blogs with just simple thoughts. I guess when it comes to me I tend to share everything except those innermost thoughts. I love to share my pictures and funny stories about my kids. I've even shared a couple of my poems. But when it comes to those real thoughts and emotions that run so deep inside of someone, I hold back. I'm not saying that you're all going to get a truly deep insight into my soul here. But I would like to share a little bit with you. This has been one of those truly trying weeks. One of those weeks, I guess, where I find out exactly what I'm made of. One of those weeks where I discover that in everything I try to do alone I fall so very short. I managed to make myself sick this week. That's how bad it got. I actually wore myself out to the point of getting sick. I've been trying to work a lot more overtime lately. I realized that Christmas is coming soon and if I want to get the extra pay in time to actually use it for Christmas, I need to do it now. So I've been going in at the only time I can really work without disrupting anyone else's schedule. This means going into work at about 1am and working through to the end of my normal shift at 2:30pm. I actually don't mind working at that time of night. It does tend to deprive one of sleep though. Something I was handling fairly well until my job took an emotionally bad turn. A week ago today, one of our consumers (patients) at work was taken to the hospital. They suspected impaction of the bowels or a hernia. The next day we were informed that it was neither. They had discovered that he had cancer. It was everywhere. And it was terminal. I've been taking care of this gentleman for over 3 years now. He is one that I have grown quite attached to over the last few years. Stubborn as they come, but he could always make me laugh. They gave him less than 3 months. Tuesday they (they being my supervisors) informed us that the decision had been made to transfer him from the hospital to a nursing home instead of back to our facility. We (the direct care staff who had worked so closely with him) were crushed. This was the only home he knew. We were the only family he knew as his don't really have a lot to do with him. The thought of sending him some place to die alone tore us up. Wednesday I sat with him in the hospital for my entire shift. At the end of my shift he was loaded up onto a stretcher and taken to the nursing home. Thursday I got a call from my immediate supervisor saying he was looking worse and probably wouldn't make it through the weekend. Friday morning I went to see him along with several of my coworkers. That very afternoon we got a call saying he had passed away at 2pm.
Where do you draw the line between caring too much and not enough? I've heard more people than I care to speak to me about how you have to have a certain amount of clinical detachment in this kind of field. But how much is too much? I cared very deeply for this man. Not quite like watching a child die, but at the same time, we're talking about someone that I was partly responsible for nearly everyday for over 3 years. I was responsible for feeding, bathing, medicating, entertaining, ... the list goes on. I knew what the man did and didn't like. I knew how to get him from one area to the next and knew when he just wasn't going anywhere. And in the course of one week he was gone. From when he went into the hospital to when he passed away, it took less than a week. One of my closest friends from work is taking it even harder. This was her favorite. She would have done anything for him. She did do a lot for him, above and beyond what was expected of us. Why is that bad? If we went to work everyday trying to keep ourselves "emotionally detached", how would we be honestly improving any of their lives?
I guess I'm just tired. This past week has worn me down. And I know that this one is going to be rough as well. Halloween costumes, Kyra turns 2 on Wednesday, Brian's coming down this weekend to get the kids (just for the weekend), and simply dealing with the aftermath at work. Its not all bad stuff, just tiring. If I could ask all of you to keep my coworkers and the family of this man in your prayers. Thank you, everyone.
posted by Angie @ 10:15 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Angie,
While I've never taken care of a patient everyday for 3 years straight, I have had many patients that I've known and taken care of long-term ("frequent fliers" we call them in the hospital). I've gotten to know them by their first name, I know their families, I know their likes/ dislikes. They become close friends. I've held their hand as they took their last breath on this earth. My heart breaks every time I lose one of "my patients."
The easy solution would be to distance myself from every patient-not allow them to become close. But then what joy would I get out of my job? Without joy, you can't survive.
You've been given a gift- believe it or not, your skills are a gift even though it doesn't feel like it most days. You have the gift of making someone feel better- you meet their most basic of needs, you make their life better, you make them smile.
I could say that the fact that the fact that your friend, because that's what this patient had become, was a blessing, but I will not say that. It's not a blessing to those who will miss him. It hurts deep down inside. It will take time for that pain to lessen.
I understand why you're working so hard. Don't forget to take time for you. If mom falls apart, the whole family does. It's hard to remember that when we're programmed to care for everyone (and you are).
Take care and call me if you need to talk.
Robyn
As I was reading your comments, I was thinking exactly what Robyn wrote. Being on the Onc. unit at the hospital we get a lot of the frequent flyers and we get some of our chemo patients or whatever and we have them for weeks to sometimes months, or we will see them come back 3-4 times a year. And when they go it breaks our hearts....but I couldn't imagine doing anything but sitting with them and their families during everything that they are going through. Just today one of our terminally ill patients went home for probably the last time and we all cried with her.
Losing a close patient or residents can sometimes be the same as losing a friend or family member, you will more than likely always remember them. It's been only 3 years since I've been a nurse and I can remember almost every single one of the people that passed away as I held their hand or a family member's hand. But I wouldn't take away that pain that I've felt for anything, knowing that the patient and the family are comfortable/painfree and usually finally done suffering makes me feel a little stronger to handle the emotion. It's still hard but I agree with Robyn and you can't take the fun and joy out of your job by not getting to know and being close to your patients. It would make going to work impossible.
When I read your post that your gentlemen passed away after only a week, my first thought was that I'm glad that he's not in pain and suffering. But I do agree that it is very quick but maybe that's what God intended to happen so that he would not suffer.
As for you, :) you need to be careful to not become too exhausted. No one needs a mom who can't function. Just be careful, take some time to rest up. Right now that's what I'm trying to force Mike to do, he's almost done with school and he's getting stressed and overly tired from staying up too late but then getting up really early when I leave for work....and all it's doing is wearing him down and now he's sick. So I know where you're coming from.
Just take care of yourself. Maybe you learned your lesson a little?!? :)
Love ya,
Sarah
I love you guys so very dearly. Funny how I chose not to go into the medical field yet haven't really strayed that far from it. Actually I don't think I did stray from it at all. I think its in our blood, Sarah. I can't picture Grandma working with people and not caring. Thank you, both of you, for reminding me that actually caring about a patient is not a bad thing. Just something I maybe need to learn how to deal with a little better. I love you guys.
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